Take Back your Life

Yesterday I talked about the sunrise about separation.  I talked about the fact that I am starting to see the light coming up on the horizon, and I know that a new day is fast approaching, but I am realizing in seeing this that this if anytime is when I need to take back my life.  For the last few months I have just been existing, just been surviving, walking around with my head either in the clouds or trying not to feel anything, but the time for that is over.  It is time to take back my life and like I mentioned in a post a few weeks ago about the fact that it was time to make some major changes.


I have come to see my impending divorce as a chance as a fresh start.  I have decided not to let it define me but to look at it as a blessing.  It was obviously not the plan that the Lord had for me and I need to move forward with that in mind.  I look at this as an opportunity to mold this new person into exactly what I want her to be.   There has been quite a few things on my mind that I want to make changes and now seems as good of a time as any.  So this blog post will serve to stand as accountability for these changes and help me to see how far I have come.


First and foremost I want to make some changes in my spiritual life.  Putting God first in my life has to become non negotiable in my life.  I have for too long let my spiritual life slide.  Here are things that are going to change in my life spiritually. 

• I need to find a new church home here in Sylva
• I need to create a plan for being consistent in studying the word of God daily
• I need to create a plan for being consistent in reading the word of God daily
• I need to find books to read that will encourage me in my walk with the Lord.
• I need to create a prayer plan to help me pray for others not only just for myself and not only when things seem to be upside down
• I need to find a small group or a women's bible study as well as a couple of women who are local to help me stay accountable.

I will be blogging later about the plans I create for these spiritual accountabilities in hopes that It might help someone else.


Secondly I need to get myself organized and back in the swing of a routine.  I have been working a new job for the last 2 months and have been on nights for about the last month  and yet again I have just been trying to survive.  I have found that my body needs more sleep when I am working nights but I still have to get all the things I have on my plate accomplished and it is so much more difficult when you only have a couple of hours in your day when you aren't at work or asleep. Over the next few weeks I will be blogging as I create plans and systems to make these changes in my life.

• I need to create routines to help me stay productive and make sure that things are getting done consistently
• I need to create a weekly schedule to make sure that priorities in my life do not slip and that I do not compromise sleep to accomplish this.
• I need to create a plan of how to keep my apartment clean ( not talking picked up and tidy, but making sure that maintenance  cleaning and weekly cleaning is done )
• I need to create a system for planning and tracking goals

Physically I have realized now is the perfect time to sculpt myself into the physical person I have always desired to be.  I need to see this as a priority to eat right and workout as well as getting the right amount of rest.  Yet again I will be blogging and posting to social media the progress I make over the next few months,  but here are the things that need work.

• Getting Healthy- The main goal is not necessarily weightless but that is a side goal and an easier way to view progress
• I need to be working out 3-4 times a week minimum with both strength training and cardio
• I need to be eating more healthy home cooked meals
• I need to be drinking more water
• I need to be making sure to take vitamins daily.

I am sure there are other things that I need to change but at this point these are the major things.  Its time to take back my life.  Who else is with me?  What things do you want to change in your life in order to take it back?

There is Sunrise after Separation

I grew up in a Southern Baptist family where divorce was just not something that was even discussed.  It was not an option, families stayed together no matter what.  Examples had been set that no matter what the situation you stayed.  Stories were told about an ancestor generations back who had stayed in her marriage until death even though, her husband was a womanizer and even worse.  When I began dating this ideology stuck with me.  I was looking for a husband, a forever kind of love. A love of commitment that would last a lifetime that would mimic that love that had been modeled for me by my parents and grandparents.   One day I met a guy and I thought over the next few months that I had found that forever kind of love, but within a few short years my world was shattered.  We had had our issues, but I knew I wouldn't leave.  Not until I spoke with my pastor and after counseling sessions and there being no attempt from the other side to make an effort to make changes towards healing our marriage, did I even begin to consider his suggestion of separation.  It took months before I had up the courage to stand up for myself and make the statement that if an active effort was not going to be made that I would ask him to leave.


Even after I made the decision that the pastor was right, that some time apart would help us make a final decision, it still took time before I actually got the nerve to take the next step.  I came home from what was supposed to have been a joint counseling session that I had gone to by myself and with tears in my eyes neatly folded and packed all of his clothes in trash bags and packed up all his belongings and stacked them neatly in the living room and then went into my office closed the door and began to pray.  Not a word was said, he just picked up his stuff and didn't come back.  That day I felt like the sun had set on all my hopes and dreams.  I felt like my dreams of being a wife and a mother had been shattered, and I had no way of seeing the big picture, all I could see was that my heart was broken and I wasn't sure how life would ever be good again.  I felt cold hearted and black on the inside, I felt dirty and shameful even though I knew I had biblical reasons for initiating the separation.


I never thought that there would ever be a sunrise on a new day.   I had been left with rent on the house and all the bills, on top of losing my job just a few months prior, I had no car and no way to get to a job even if I could find one.  If someone had told me that this was sunset on my marriage, but that there would be a beautiful sunrise in a few months on the new part of my life I would not have believed them, but the interesting thing about sunrise is that the time between sunset and sunrise gets very dark.  We always know that the sun will come up the next day, our body has been trained to think that way.  We don't worry that the sun will come up again, we just believe in the goodness of God that it will.  So why was this any different.  I knew what to expect but I didn't want to believe it. 


The good news is there is sunrise after separation, I sit here 13 months after I packed my husbands things and gave him the option to leave, and I see light on the horizon.  Things didn't work out for us to fix our marriage, but I see the amazingly strong woman I have become.  I have learned some hard lessons, I have cried a lot of tears, I have been angry with God, and run from my friends at times, but I know that in the long run the sun WILL come up, and the thing about sunrise is its always beautiful from Gods view.  We may sometimes only see part of the sunrise due to fog or rain, but sunrise always happens.


The view of the first light on the horizon of the night following my separation is such a beautiful sight, but even sunrise takes time.  I know that in time the beautiful colors will spread across my life and the dark season of night will be over, but until then I must just sit quietly and wait.

B-I-D * 3 little letters changed my life *

A 3x5 greeting card literally changed my life.  Yes that probably sounds a little dramatic, and if you know me at all you know that has a little bit of truth to it.  But, as dramatic as it may sound, its completely true.  Fall semester of my freshman year was miserable.  I sat in the hallway of my residence hall and cried and poured my heart out to my best friend on the phone.  I hated  the campus, I hated my classes, I was fighting with my roommate.  My heart had been set on another school, and although I was trying to make the best of it, I wanted to run away.




I went home for Christmas and had a couple of conversations about Greek Life, with my aunt and a close family friend, but everything in me said that Greek Life just was not for me.  I had no desire to pay for my friends, or be apart of something that would take all my time.  I had actually been to a couple of open house parties with one of the sororities on campus, and just realized I did not fit in with them at all.  I had a thought that all sororities were the same and had no desire at all to go through formal recruitment in the fall, even to see.




The night of the start of formal recruitment I had no plans to go, but a friend of mine was dead set on going and she was determined not to go alone.  So even though I hadn't signed up ahead of time I quickly got myself together and headed to the first night of recruitment.  Throughout the night I saw how different the personalities of the 5 sororities were but i still wasn't sure that there was a place for me, but when my feet stepped off the last step on to the 5th floor something just seemed different.  The doors to the hall opened and I caught a friendly face from high school, The feeling on the hall was light and airy, the walls were painted pink, and this group of girls were the most beautiful and cheerful girls I have ever met.




Recruitment in a word was disappointing, I remember thinking the entire time that there was only one place I felt like I would fit in and yet, I was the girl who was completely content in high school, and was friends with everyone but when it came down to being chosen, or winning, I always came up just shy of what I wanted.  Whether it was a sports team, a part in a play, a boy I liked, I always seemed to be just under the point of getting what I wanted. So as I walked off the hall on Sunday afternoon after the Pref Day ceremony, I knew where it was that I felt like I belonged, but because of the feelings I had about never quite being good enough I thought there was no way that I would ever get a bid, but I knew what I had to do.  With the way that sorority recruitment works you choose the sorority and they choose you.  It was very risky to only choose one sorority on your pref card. I knew there was only one sorority that I loved so I only chose one that day, and left the conference room feeling disappointed.  I was just sure that this was going to be something else that I wanted that was just out of reach.

A few hours later back on the hall  in my dorm, bids were being delivered .  There were a group of about 5 of us  standing in the hall.  3 of us got bids, I couldn't bear to open mine but when I did, there it was in beautiful black ink.  I would be a pledge of Phi Mu Fraternity.


Over the next few weeks my thoughts about college changed.  I had a whole new group of friends, I was introduced to even more new people, organizations on campus, and opportunities for jobs that I would have never known about or perused otherwise.   In fact if I had not "Gone Greek" I wouldn't be sitting in my desk chair at my current job that I love right now.  Going greek, started a chain reaction of events that made Western Carolina University and its people some of my favorite ever.  It created a woman who was confident in who she was.  It created a woman who realized she wanted to be just as involved on her college campus as she had been on her high school campus.  It allowed that girl to realize that the reason she was miserable was because she wasn't involved and wasn't looking for opportunities to make this campus one that she loved.


That BID ... changed my life, I learned to be a woman who lived by values of Love, Honor, and Truth, and Western Carolina became my Home.

An Honest Conversation with a broken person

Sometimes things are hard to talk about, but very few things are better left unsaid.  Honesty really is the key to happy life and relationships, but one of the people we are most often not honest with is ourselves .  We walk around sometimes in a daze thinking everything is okay when sometimes things are just NOT okay!  How many of us live day to day with worries, doubts, and fears, and even worse the fear of sharing this with someone because we are afraid that we will be found out.  So many times the things we struggle with are made even worse when we try to deal with them on our own. Sometimes we don't even want to be honest with ourselves , because healing is painful and sometimes it is easier to just keep existing.


So time for some honesty! :)   It's freeing, and healing... right????  Honesty doesn't mean searching for pitty, it doesn't mean being the victim, it doesn't mean wanting someone else to take care of the problem for you.  Honesty is merely about making the situation real in your own eyes and allowing others around you to be able to help you heal and grow.


Todays world is terrible to shame people, to take simple problems and simple issues and make them feel like they are broken and without repair.  Self shaming has become so prevalent in today's society and while the world looks at the solution to the problem as a need for more self esteem, I do not believe that a false sense of strength and an inflated ego are going to do anything but mask the problems that so many are facing today, but HONESTY will.


So here's me being open and honest.  The last few years have down right sucked! I look back on the last few years and see the girl I love and who I was proud to be fading away through a sequence of events that I didn't ask for and certainty didn't want, but through conscious decisions I made I placed myself on the track that ended up in these places.  People don't want to talk about hard stuff, but one thing I can say is that in going through these things I have become very blunt and very honest about the hard stuff. 


So lets talk about the hard stuff....A year ago my husband and I separated due to a woman stepping in between us, and although he couldn't see what she was doing, it was obvious to me and so many others the direction she was manipulating things to go.  This on top of other issues was something that we could not recover from.  The last year has been a time of self discovery and the beginning of healing, but what I have discovered about myself is that there are thoughts and insecurities that loom deep in my heart that cause me to question myself, and so much of this comes from self shame and the shaming the world continues to lay.


But that stops TODAY!  I am starting a journey of growth, and self discovery today that I hope will impact every aspect of my life.  This newly single again thing is hard.  God didn't design marriages to fail, and so life after a broken marriage is not easy.  I feel lost, I feel lonely, I feel broken, I feel crazy!  Over the past few months  I basically have just been existing trying to cover a gaping wound with a bandage that didn't fit. The next few months will be difficult but I am going to make these changes one at a time, and for accountability I am going to blog through the process.


I finish today with this thought.  It is okay to not be perfect.  God made us who we are for a reason.  We were created with perfect talents, and personality traits to fulfill his perfect purpose for us.  Far to often though we forget that, when we struggle we see ourselves through the eyes of people around us.  Far too often we give into shaming, and negativity that is around us, we sink ourselves to that level to try to feel apart of something, when we should focus on our own "perfect" selves.