Meet Codi... Her Story... God's Glory

I love these pictures. Meredith has been blessed with such a talent to capture the beauty that women don’t even know they have.  Looking at these photographs, I can’t help but notice how joyful I look, how carefree; I wasn’t always like that. I wasn’t like that six years ago.
Six years ago, I was six months pregnant.  I had just found my way back to my mother’s house after being gone for nearly a year. I was a teenager. I was scared. I was angry and hurt and lost.  But let’s rewind for a moment, back to the beginning.

Sophomore year, I had a group of friends, I was flourishing academically ,enjoyed being in FFA ,Colorguard, writing for the school newspaper, and even rocked a part time job at a retirement community restaurant.  I excelled at just about everything I put my hand to – except sports, but who cares about sports anyway? I was brilliant, my test scores were off the charts y I was writing at a college level by 15, but still invisible.  I had experimented with different looks,  preppy, sporty, nerdy, and yes even goth ( don’t judge me, I was finding myself), but I was forever going to be flower child- it just felt comfortable and I could have picked a worse look right!?
So here I was, a 16 year old hippie girl who wrote beautiful opinion pieces ( and became editor of the section), showed dairy cows and sheep at the State Fair, and co- captain of an award winning colorguard for the Blue Devil Band- then he came along. For the sake of the  not so innocent we’ll call him Jake, short for Jake the Snake because make no mistake, that exactly what he was, but he was a beautiful creature, he had to make up for his internal ugliness somehow I guess. I have now learned that the things that will kill you come the most brilliantly wrapped. I should have known from the beginning, I should have turned and run, but I he showed such a genuine interest in me and seemed to see things about me that nobody else did. Like my “forest eyes” as he used to call them, he would smile and say that my eyes were so and green that a person could get lost for days in them. Satan always uses flattery and vanity to destroy us.  There could be a whole other story here- and there is, I’ll tell it to you one day if you bring me coffee and have an hour or so, but to give you the general gist of it. By the end of March of my junior year, I had been screamed at, routinely grabbed and hit, and even thrown from a vehicle,( moving slowly thank the Lord).  This first boy set the stage for a few more to treat me the same way- and they did because I let them. I don’t know why, but I did.
I quit school senior year and ran away to Nashville, Tennessee with a boy I had no business being with. I broke my mother’s heart, but I didn’t care. I didn’t like her, I didn’t really like myself either. I didn’t like what I had become, a victim. While in Tennessee, I found myself  pregnant, so I tried to fix my mistake myself and I married the boy and finished school. That of course didn’t last  and I ended up back home with my mom.
In February 2009, I gave birth to a perfect baby boy. 7 lbs, 2 oz, 19 inches long, born at 1402.  I remember laying in the hospital, waiting to be discharged, crying my eyes out. I didn’t want to leave, I was so scared.

One week later on March 3, 2009. Wyatt got a fever. Wyatt was transferred to Children’s Hospital in Asheville and diagnosed with Encephalitis. We came so close to losing him. By summer, Wyatt was well again, his father long since gone, and the two of us started getting on with life. I started school taking some general classes. I had no direction, no drive anymore. I knew what single moms did, they worked for nearly nothing and never went anywhere in life.  I was so wrong. I was convinced that nobody would ever love me again because now I had “baggage.”  I was sure I’d have “teen mom” and “failed marriage” stamped on my forehead like billboard that warned people to stay away from me forever. 

But God’s plan is always better than our plan. When Wyatt was five months old, I met Isaiah Norman for the first time at a high school football game on the first night that I had had to myself.  Over the next few weeks, through a series of coincidental meetings, which I later learned were carefully orchestrated ( stalker much?), we exchanged phone numbers and began to get to know one another. I dropped the bomb that I was a mom and much to my surprise he said, “Okay.” I couldn’t believe that he hadn’t left in a cloud of dust.  But he didn’t and in January of 2011 we were married and in January 2012, Isaiah adopted Wyatt.  ( In North Carolina, there is a 365 day waiting period for step parent adoptions.) 

Here is it November 2014. I have been Mrs. Isaiah Norman for nearly four years, we now have two sons. Wyatt is 5 ½  and is learning to read is kindergarten, and Bowman is 3 and learning to mimic everything his older brother does in order to drive him nuts. I have graduated college and we moved to Greenville, SC where I got a job after graduation.  Isaiah is in school and I am working on a bachelor’s degree.  Life is good but I can’t help but feel like a scared 18 year old with a baby still. More often than not, I am still ashamed of where I’ve been, and the junk that I allowed to enter my life.  I feel like I have my sins written on me in permanent marker so that when people look at me, they know exactly what I am. The more I learn about marriage and the weight of it all, the guiltier I feel about entering into it so lightly and then letting it dissolve without trying to revive it. Many days, I feel like I have failed God and am going to spend the rest of my life trying to fix my mistakes.

 But that’s just not true. I am the child of the Redeemer. I have a friend who made the most beautiful mosaic the other day. The picture is breathtaking, and its all made of broken pieces of tile. The tile was just a plain colored square, but it had to be broken in order to make the bigger picture. She took a hammer and smashed it and then glued the pieces into something great. He is the Potter. The potter molds and shapes the clay into what He wants it to be and several times during the creative process, the clay is reduced to a muddy heap and then the piece has to be put through the fire before it has the shiny glossy look that people love. We have to let ourselves be broken and chiseled and fired if we are ever going to live up to the brilliance that God has planned for us.  God took every mistake that I had thought I made, every ounce of potential that I had thought I wasted and made it into a life I never thought I’d have.  He blessed me with a marriage to a man who is good. He never hits me, he will never hit me. He treats me like I am the daughter of a King , he sees me. He loves my, correction, our son unconditionally and has never spoken about him as though he is less than. I admire a man like that and I get to call him mine.  God uses Wyatt to teach me new things about love and Himself everyday. God gave me a new purpose, or maybe this was my purpose all long and I had to get here this way or it just wouldn’t be the same. Only He knows.

I have learned about hope, and forgiveness. I have learned most importantly about perseverance. I am no longer defined by my past. How are you supposed to conquer today if you’re still crying over yesterday? The enemy uses whatever he can to steal, kill, and destroy. He won’t get me. Today, I am wiping off the labels. Today, I am free through Christ.

Boudoir is not a dirty word!

Now I am not saying share your images with the world.  In fact I am going to share my opinion with you that suggests the complete opposite, but I want you to at least open your mind to what my definition of Boudoir is.  Being raised in a Southern Baptist Church, i have really struggled with the idea that boudoir photography might be wrong, but I have searched the word and spent time praying, and have realized that in the right connotation, it can be very glorifying to the Lord.   I know that many will not have this same conviction and that is okay, but for those who it might help I want you to know what i believe.

I feel that a woman having a boudoir session is not wrong.  I feel like where the wrong comes in is in how she uses her images or how i use them.  I do believe that men are made to be visual and they are more engaged by sight than women.  I believe that there is enough out there for men to look at that pulls their hearts and minds away from their wives and the Lord and I dont want to create more of that.   I do not post boudoir images for that very reason.  They should be private, they should be personal, and they shouldnt be shared.  This is why i choose to call my boudoir sessions “For His Eyes Only”  sessions. I do shoot glamour images with every boudior session because i believe that every woman should have a beautiful portrait of herself that she can share with others.  I believe and have been told that my style of boudoir photography is very modest, but I have also heard ladies who have had sessions, tell me that their husbands loved the ones where they were wearing more, and not less.  The images are more sensual than sexy,


I love Jesus with all my heart.  I love my husband. and i know I am not alone in this.
Boudoir is about confidence
Boudoir is about Reigniting of a marriage
Boudoir is about Loving yourself the way the Lord made you.
Boudoir is about strengthening marriages.
Boudoir is not Pornography- (unless the woman uses it the wrong way)
Boudoir is not a sin – ( unless the woman chooses to give the images to someone else)
Boudoir is not about nudity- (in fact the women are usually more covered than they are at the beach)
Boudoir is about Seeing yourself the way that He sees you and giving him something to keep his heart guarded in your marriage.


I do not believe  that intimacy between a married man and woman is perverse, I believe it was created to be a beautiful and perfect thing, however sin entered the world and that is why as Christians we believe its such a taboo subject.  Gods perfect plan included no clothes, Adam and Eve were not even aware of their nakedness until sin entered the world and their eyes were opened.  I am not saying that nudity is right, but I am saying that in Gods concept of marriage, we should not have anxiety about who he has created us to be.


I want to help Christian Women — Wives and Moms especially those who struggle with self image issues, emotional and marriage struggles, and no time for themselves, to see themselves in the way that He ( God and their husbands) see them.
I want to build an experience that helps women to see who they really are in Gods eyes, to pray for each woman, to  provide her with an experience of a day out just for herself, and provide her with images for her and her husband.
I have seen the Lord use this type of session reignite a spark in marriages, help to keep a husbands eyes from wandering, to build a woman’s confidence in how he created her and also to give a tired weary wife and mom time to do something nice for herself.


I have had women sit on my couch and cry when they saw their images and say is that really me, and I felt so blessed for the Lord to have used me in that way .

I in no way believe I do this but truly have seen the Lord work through me. I really want to devote my life to serving him in this way. In a way that honors him. I truly believe the Lord can use this passion i have to help women in our churches to see themselves the way he created their husband to see them…

Women in the church carry just as much anxiety about their body image, as well as emotional turmoil from past relationships and broken homes and because of that they  don’t see themselves as beautiful and as created in God’s image. With divorce, infidelity, and pornography viewing rates almost as high in the church as they are in the secular world i really feel there is a need for a wife to have a way to visually share herself with her husband, especially when one or both may be traveling and are away from each other.  Is it not glorifying to the Lord that he would guard his heart from lust , that he  would look at images of his wife and not someone else?

I have sought Godly council and have heard the spectrum of answers, and biblical scripture to back up their statements, but this is my definition of boudoir and i am excited to see how the Lord will use me to bless the lives of others through him.

My Story... God's Glory

Growing up I was fully aware of who God was and that I was in need of a savior.  We were in church every time the doors were opened, but I was always terrified of walking down the aisle and making a commitment in front of everyone.  I was afraid of failure and hypocrisy.  As I grew up, I would have said I was a Christian, I would have told people that I loved Jesus and that he had saved me from the sin in my life, but there was a reoccurring theme that ran throughout my teenage, and early adult life that said that my heart believed differently.  My heart believed that I needed Jesus…. And something else.

In high school, I needed Jesus and a reputation of being the good girl.  My identity was found in being good, never having drank, or done drugs, or had sex.  I prided myself on these things, not because i was being obedient to the Lord but i liked the way it made people think of me.  It was a heart issue of pride.  I carried around my beautiful “goodness” so carefully and I guarded it, but in reality I was nothing but a dirty, empty cup.  The Thoughts in my mind were horrible, filled with jealousy, lies, hurtful thoughts, and men spirited gossip and slander.

In College, I needed Jesus and a boyfriend.  I pined after Young men of God who I so respected.  I tried to clean myself up by being around Christian people, being apart of a descipleship group and even going to church.  I thought i was doing all the right things, but i was doing them with the wrong motives.  I wanted one of those young men to love me… I hoped and dreamed and prayed and waited.  Well actually I didn’t wait.  I shoved myself right in the middle of whatever they were doing in hopes that they would see me.  I tried to be the girls girl and the boys girl all wrapped up in to one.  Even to the point one night that I was standing out in the driveway between two houses where our Campus Ministry Staff lived throwing the football in a skirt and heels.  I realize now how desperate and foolish I must have looked, but the sad thing is I looked even more desperate and foolish to the Lord, when I was going to church just to be near these guys.  My heart was in the right place, I think, to desire a godly relationship.  I saw them around me and realized how the guys  cared for and led the girls, but my heart wasn’t right with the Lord and so the time wasnt right for a relationship.  He wanted my reliance on him and my faith and trust in him and not in boys.
When I realized that the Christian guys were not interested in me, I began to doubt myself.  All this time still trying to fool everyone and myself that I was a Christian.  I knew deep down in my heart that I was not living for the Lord.   I was even “ministering” to a group of ladies in my sorority and on my hall where I was an RA.  I even lead someone to the Lord not even being sure looking back if I really knew the Lord.  I was going through the motions but my heart was not in line.
I decided in the spring of my junior year that enough was enough.  I was tired of waiting on these guys in the ministry I was a part of and that I wanted a boyfriend.  Everyone around me was in relationships and I wanted to experience that too.  So here I was 20 years old and had not had my first kiss.  I began to think what is wrong with me.   I questioned my weight, my personality, my looks, my intellegance, I didn’t understand why God would make me watch all the people around me be in love and I couldn’t be.
A friend set me up with a guy, and I knew from the moment I met him that he was not the kind of guy I needed to date.  He was the quenticential bad boy.  He smoked, he drank, he was in a fraternity, and I loved the attention he gave me.  Within a month we were dating.  We spent every waking moment together, and I was falling in love so fast.  All of my friends tried to stop me, but I didn’t care.  A boy was paying me attention and I LIKED it!!!  He told me he Loved me, and that I was beautiful, and that I was the only one he needed, and I soaked it up like a sponge.    He bought me flowers, and took me on dates, and won my heart.  He kissed me sweetly and told me he would wait for me as long as I needed him to, that he understood my feelings about sex before marriage and that he would respect that.   And then one night he went out with friends and got really drunk.  One thing lead to another and we had a huge fight on the phone for hours.  He screamed and yelled and called me every name under the sun.  He told me I was a tease and that I didn’t deserve a relationship, and that waiting for marriage was dumb and that I would never find anyone to love me if I didn’t have sex with them.  And then he started to sober up, the yelling stopped, and he began getting sweet again, but the message didn’t change.  I was going to be nothing or no one if I didn’t have sex with a man.  I couldn’t leave my room until the next morning  because I was on duty in the building so I tried to get a little sleep, but after 5 hours of crying and being yelled at by a guy who was acting like a drunk blubbering idiot,  sleep didn’t happen much. The next morning, instead of being mad for letting someone talk to me like that I felt weaker.  I felt like no one else would want me so I felt like I needed him more.  I had walked away from my Christian friends, church, and my bible during this time still thinking I was a Christian and that I had my convictions about no sex before marriage and that was enough.    I went to his dorm room to talk to him and he kept telling me if you love me you’ll prove it.  He had my mind so warped.  So finally with tears running down my cheeks I gave in, I didn’t want to loose him. I knew it was not what I wanted and I had told him that but I felt like there was no stopping it from happening.  It was not what it should have been.  There was no concern for my feelings, how I felt physically, or anything.   I closed my eyes and  In just a couple of moments it was over.  I ran to the bathroom crying, having no idea what the after effects of the first time were.  I dealt with all of that alone, while he rolled over and went back to sleep.

In November of my senior year, I packed up my entire life at school and moved 2 hours away to his hometown. I left school, failed all my classes, didn’t tell my roommates, friends, or my family where I was. I moved in with his ex girlfriend, who he had been playing the same mind games with her for years and was still cheating on me with her. Those next two months began to open my eyes about who I had become because of him, and what kind of financial, physical, and emotional shape I was in. One night I woke up from the insanity I knew after drinking two bottles of wine in a night and after passing out and hitting my head, waking up face down in my own vomit with him cheating on me with my roommate on the couch right beside me after that my parents finally were able to break the wall between us and pulled me away from him,

I moved into a better situation, and began focusing on me, but still not returning my focus to the Lord except in a trying time where I would cry out in sheer desperation, but in the next moment I was back to focusing on myself.  I felt black inside.  I felt like what’s the point anymore, I’ve already lost what was precious to me.   I knew what I had experienced but I hid it from everyone because I had kept telling myself that the one or two good days that he and I had were worth dealing with the weeks of horrible days.  I threw myself into work, ignored my family I was living with, scouered the internet for men, went on date after date after date, and my relationships only lasted a short while and even with men who claimed to know the Lord they turned physical quickly because I thought Ive already disappointed the Lord, there is no turning back, so why not.

That summer 6 months after leaving school I returned to school, and reconnected with old friends from the ministry I had used to be apart of.  That summer was pivitol in my life.  I met a friend in Law Enforcement while working for the Police Department, who after hearing my story, told me what it really was.  He explained to me how normal the feelings and actions in my life over the last year were for a rape victim, and how most rapes happen with someone you know and trust.  We had many hours of conversation and he made me realize I deserved so much more than I had been given in relationships.  In the same time I spent time with this group of friends who loved on me even though most did not know the extent to what I had been through.  It would have been very easy for them to judge me but they didn’t.  They showed me the love of Jesus.  So one night that summer I realized I was tired of playing games.  By my bedside I cried out to the Lord.  I didn’t know whether I was a Christian or not .  I knew in my head that Jesus had died on the cross for my sins.  I knew in my head that he loved me and that he wanted what was best for me, but in my heart I wasn’t quite sure.  I was at a point where Jesus was all that I needed.  I was tired of playing Games I needed a savior.  I needed to be saved from my sins, I couldnt be good enough to earn eternity with Him.  So my only hope was complete mercy given by a loving father and my complete surrender and dependence to him.  I admitted to him that I was a sinner and had no hope on my own, I accepted the Lord as my savior, believed that he died for me and that he took the weight of my the sin upon him, and suddenly John 3:16 became so clear. For GOD so loved “Meredith” That he gave his only beggotten son, so that when Meredith Believed that she will have eternal life.  My head had believed for 18+ years but my heart believed fully that night by my bedside.My lifestyle did not turn around over night.  I failed miserably.  I ran after the attention of men who made me feel protected.  The next year and a half was hard.  I was scared.  I had to admit things to people, mend relationships, rebuild trust, and have really hard conversations with people who I respected, but the Lord was grooming me the whole time.  He was taking my beautiful  life that I had destroyed and he was putting  it back together and making it more beautiful than it was before.  Every time I had tried to fix it I would fall on my face, but it was only when I fell on my face before him when I could dig no deeper that the true healing began.

I had to allow him to remove me from the things and people that hindered my life and my growth in him.  It was by no means an overnight change.  There are still things in my life that I struggle with on a daily basis, and people from my past that if given over to my flesh I would run to, but the Lord knows these things, and I think if we are all honest in our hearts there are things in all of our lives that we feel this way about.  But the Lord has redeemed me.  He has saved me.  He has made me clean and whole.

The moment by my bedside that night, I felt like the woman who touched his garment, and her condition was healed.  She was outcast by the world.  Her condition was not something she could help, but she had enough faith to reach out and touch his garment and he healed her.  I’m sure her life didn’t change immediately.  People still probably shunned her, and may have shunned her more because she chose to follow the Lord Jesus Christ, but when the Lord looked at her he saw his beautiful perfect son, just as when he looked at me even though i still failed, he sees Jesus in me.
My life was also like the woman at the well.  Jesus knew her past.  She tried to hide it, but he loved her anyways!

Photo by Sharon Lee Photography

Once the Lord got my attention.  I began serving and wanting to know him more.  I wanted to really know this savior who took my sins as his burden and makes me clean through his sacrifice. Who allowed me a home in Heaven because he experienced the wrath of Hell for me.  I want to know this God that before I was even born created a way for redemption for me, and allowed me the gift of adoption into his royal family.  A family where  I am not a broken and battered, heart -bruised woman, but a family where I am a daughter of the Most High King.  And I realized ALL I NEEDED was JESUS and him alone.  I still struggle with wanting Jesus and…. ( A good marriage, babies, a great career, success in life, ) these are all human desires that in the right context are good … but Jesus is so much better, when putting him first and these things next these things in life can become  AMAZING.
I tell my story not for pity or glory to myself for dealing with something so difficult.  I tell my story allow the Lord to use me to encourage the hearts and lives of other women.  I tell my story in faith that the Lord would use me to impact the lives of women who have walked in these same footsteps, or to help someone see the signs of this type of relationship before it begins.  I truly believe  Romans 8:28 …And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.   By no means what I went through was good, but I believe it was a gift!  The Lord did not do it to me, but he allowed it to happen to get my attention.  He allowed me to live through this pain, so I have 2 choices … I can hold it inside and let Satan use it against me, or I can share it with women and allow the Lord to work wonders in their lives through it.

This is my story… this is my song… praising my savior all the day long.

A letter from Me to the Beautiful You .

I feel like this is a very vulnerable place for me to be writing, but my heart has ached for the women I have grown to love and the way that they see themselves.  I have to admit that I should be preaching to the choir on this one, I don’t love myself, and the idea of self love seems so selfish in relationship to my views of my relationship with the Lord, but I know that I was perfectly created and that He loves me just the way that I am, so why am I so hard on myself.  I know that there are very few women around me that deep down really love everything about who they are.  It is such a foreign concept to us.  We foam at the mouth about all the things we hate about ourselves, but yet we cant find one thing we love.

I shot a boudoir session for a wife and a mother of 2 kids a couple of weeks ago and as the tears streamed down her face, as I showed her her images, I realized that’s what boudoir and glamor photography are all about.  Its not about having beautiful images for your husband, although I’m sure he wont mind  but its about building confidence in yourself, and seeing yourself in a light that you have never seen yourself before, we hide our bodies under clothing that doesn’t fit or is too big, we shy away from makeup or wear too much to cover up, we forget to take care of yourself or just don’t take the time to do it, because we believe that we don’t deserve it.  We look at ourselves in mirrors that distort and lie, and we compare ourselves to the models in the world who don’t really look the way they are portrayed.
I realized there were many things we all face when we begin to love ourselves again.  I decided to write a letter to “the woman” i know many of my clients are, as well as to myself, and i think it will resonate with any wife and mom who feels this same way.  I hope it blesses you in the way her story and emotion blessed me. I also hope it will help you to truly find what you love about yourself.
 

Hello Sweet Friend-

I just want you to know I write this from a place of knowing exactly where you are.  I know its easier to see the beauty in others than to see the beauty in yourself.  I know being a wife and a mom is challenging, tiring, and even emotionally draining, but I just wanted you to know you are loved.  I know you don’t take a lot of time for yourself and it seems like the only time you have alone is when you take 5 minutes to take a shower.  I know you feel like you are the first one to wake up and the last one to go to bed, and half the time you skimp on drying your hair or putting on makeup to make sure your husband has lunch to take to work and to make sure that the kids socks match. I know you love your children, but you hate what they did to your body.    I know you cover up your body with clothes that are two sizes too big or shimmy and shake into spanx to make sure everything stays just so in place, and that you would rather deal with the pain they cause as they dig into your waist and legs than to love yourself for who you are.  I know you struggle with dieting, and never seem to get the weight off or seem to be satisfied with the goal you set for yourself when and if you reach it,  I know you see those goals as unachievable and often give into emotional eating and give up your healthy changes all together.  I know you love the Lord and that you trust that he said you were perfectly made, but i know that your heart does not always believe that.  I know you love your husband with all your heart, but yet your marriage might be struggiling, or his eyes might be straying, and you are left thinking and feeling even less about yourself.  Deep emotional scars from something in your past no matter how big or how small may have put you in  a rut, and you feel like you just can’t break free.  You feel like you put on your smile when you get dressed and hide your feelings from the world as you deal with the day to day tasks of life, but you wonder if you really matter and if your life really has meaning.  Your husband tells you, that you are beautiful and that he loves you just the way you are, but you dont beleive him.  You live on caffenee, and go on little sleep, because there is just so much to do.  You value beauty of other women. You see the beauty of others in  a photograph or in your friends and loved ones but you cant see it in yourself.   You would love to give your husband something to catch his eye, but the lights are out before you go to bed because you dont want him to see you the way YOU see yourself now.  You worry that other women are more beautiful and younger and more attractive, and you question why he stays.

I want you to know i understand! I have dealt with many of these fears and hurts myself.  I know what it feels like to hate my body and i know what it feels like to never want to be in front of the camera, dont they say the camera adds ten pounds?  I want you to know that I am here friend, I love you so much. And I am here for you while you cry. I am here for you when you are angry, or sad or frustrated. I am here for you when you are happy, in love, joyful and open hearted. I am here for you always. You are wonderful.

I want you to find yourself again, ok? I want you to find yourself in your identity of who you are as a person, and then add in  the roles you fill. (wife,mother,….)   I want you to stop letting yourself be treated poorly or without the utmost of respect, care and admiration, because you deep down dont believe that you deserve more. You deserve to always be treated like a queen. You are loved and respected. I will stand behind you as a friend, and show you the things i see in you, that you should see in yourself..  You are perfect just the way you are. Your Family and freinds love you . You are a perfect creation, a chosen child of the one true God and are  so beautifully made in his image.

 I can see your beauty, strength, courage, strength of heart, talent, light, grace, loveliness, sassiness, sexiness, tenderness and love.  Can you see it? Forgive yourself for for all the horrible things you have said to yourself, all of the things you told yourself that you needed to change, all of the weight you’ve told you to lose, all of the times you’ve told you to be better and more “perfect”. Forgive yourself for all of the times you  have compared you to others. Forgive yourself for all of the times you said “I  can’t do that” or “I’m not worth it” or “someone else could do that so much better than me”. Forgive yourself for being so hard on yourself and who you are. You are beautiful both inside and out and you are amazing. Stop holding yourself back. Stop telling you that you are unworthy and not good enough for a relationship or a job or your dreams or love in any form. You are more than enough, friend, because He is enough.

Stop telling yourself that you cant be used because of your past, He will redeem you and he will call you his own.  He will hear from Heaven and he will heal your lands, ( Your life, his plan, and he will bless you).  He will love you in a way no one else ever will be able to and he will allow you to love yourself and to love Him so that you can love others more fully.

 You deserve the stars and the moon. Give that to yourself. and treat yourself like the radiant, cherished queen that you are – at all times.  Allow the Lord to show you who you really are in Him and who he created you to be, allow him to show you what beauty there is in your scars and stretch marks, because even those are apart of his plan, and apart of your story.  Allow him to show you what he created you to be and how he sees you.

He loves you.

Your Husband loves you.

Your Family and Friends love you

I love you.
Love yourself.  Find your confidence in the Lord.  Be the woman He created you to be and see yourself that way.

I am here, and i am walking this path right beside you.

The "Not- so- Crazy" Stalker Wife

I got a call a few  months ago from a friend from college, that broke my heart and made me realize that I had not been alone in the feelings I had once felt.  As I heard her voice break on the other end of the line, I felt the venerability of this amazingly strong woman.  I saw her insecurity over things that she had no control over.   I saw so much of myself in her.  Here was woman, who loved her husband more than she could ever explain, and yet her insecurities were on display more than everyone I had ever seen. As her voice broke she began to tell me about the text messages, and pictures that she had accidentally found on her husband’s phone.


The first messages that she found were innocent at first, but her heart told her that there was more.   She found herself trying every avenue to find out what was really going on.  As she began to tell me more and more over the next few weeks, I began to see myself and my insecurities that I had gone through.    Several years ago I had gone through the same thing.  My soon to be ex husband had a girl who would not leave him alone.  This “best friend” of his continued to text him daily, regardless of how I felt about it.  I remember exactly how I felt the first time I found out.  There had been several thousand messages between the two of them in a few weeks, I couldn’t see the content of the messages, but i could see the quantity of messages, which only left me to wonder what was being discussed.  It began to drive me crazy that I didn’t know what was being talked about.  He would keep his phone locked up. I would try everything to find ways to read pieces of their messages.   My gut told me something was not right, but it seemed  that i could only ever see bits and pieces of the conversations and it seemed to only stir my insecurities and paranoia.


Over the next few years I saw myself become this woman that I didn’t, I coined myself the crazy stalker wife.  I did everything from check where’s my iPhone to see his location, to downloading i cloud backups to read text messages, to stalking her Facebook and instagram, and looking back I am not proud, however, my gut was right.  I wasn’t a crazy stalker, I was a wife who needed to know the truth.  I had this horrible feeling in my stomach because i knew that I was watching my marriage going down the drain, and watching my husband knowing that he was being manipulated and drug away by another woman, but more so I didn’t like the woman I was becoming because of the sittuation.   It wasn’t until I heard a friend of mine who I respected and I knew was insanely strong in her faith and also her lack of insecurities, that I realized I wasn’t so crazy!


There are gut feelings for a reason.  Those feelings are innate, and usually are right on target, I felt guilty for NEEDing to know the truth, but now i realize I wasn’t alone. Its a self protecting instinct.  Real relationships are in complete honesty.  There is no need for “crazy stalker” tenancies, but those feelings are normal, and those who have been through similar situations realize the feelings, but they aren’t alone.

The Importance of a Quiet Time

The most important time that you can spend during the 24 hours of a day is the time that you carve out of your day to spend with the Lord, but let’s be honest.  Its so hard to carve that time out.  I really struggle with taking that time out and in knowing where to start and what to do.   Its so much easier when you have the accountability of a group bible study or an accountability partner.  When I was in college I was apart of a group that was very dedicated and very organized when it came to bible study, and honestly I did not take advantage of the opportunity to learn how to study the bible like I should.  I know how to study the bible, but making the time and sticking to it is more difficult than I ever imagined.
Far too many times we depend on our emotions, and allow them to impact how and when we feel like studying the bible, as well as so many of our other daily activities, but I have found that it is when I feel like studying the bible the least that I need it  the most.  I have found over the past few months that I have struggled with finding time and commitment to studying the bible like I should, and that needs to change, NO MATTER what I feel.  There are several things that keep us from studying.

• Our Feelings keep us from studying! – They blind us, they distract us, they confuse us.  So many times we feel guilty for sin in our life, or we feel like we are not good enough to study the word of God, or that we just don’t understand it.
• Our Schedule keeps us from studying!- So many times we feel like that if we don’t have an hour to study the bible that we just shouldn’t even try.  The Lord wants the time that we have. Yes, we should give the Lord as much time as we are capable, and we should carve out our time early in the morning ideally, but the Lord wants our time.
• Sin keeps us from studying!- When we have sin in our lives, it is hard to study because we aren’t right with the Lord.  Whether it is before salvation, or unconfessed sin in our lives after we are saved disconnects us from the Lord and makes studying so much harder.  Sometimes the guilt from unconfessed sin will cause us to think we are not capable of studying.

The Lord wants our time.  He wants our attention.  He wants us to know him more.  We can learn so much in just a few minutes of time with the Lord.  The bible is truth.  It will impact our lives  if we allow it.  The more we read, the more we study , the more  we will learn and grow.
Take time, each day, early before distractions can steal away your time.  Give the Lord your time, allow him to teach you.  Whether it is a daily devotion, or studying verses while studying through a book of the bible, or reading the bible through.  Take the time, pray, open your heart and allow him to teach you, daily.

Take Back your Life

Yesterday I talked about the sunrise about separation.  I talked about the fact that I am starting to see the light coming up on the horizon, and I know that a new day is fast approaching, but I am realizing in seeing this that this if anytime is when I need to take back my life.  For the last few months I have just been existing, just been surviving, walking around with my head either in the clouds or trying not to feel anything, but the time for that is over.  It is time to take back my life and like I mentioned in a post a few weeks ago about the fact that it was time to make some major changes.
I have come to see my impending divorce as a chance as a fresh start.  I have decided not to let it define me but to look at it as a blessing.  It was obviously not the plan that the Lord had for me and I need to move forward with that in mind.  I look at this as an opportunity to mold this new person into exactly what I want her to be.   There has been quite a few things on my mind that I want to make changes and now seems as good of a time as any.  So this blog post will serve to stand as accountability for these changes and help me to see how far I have come.
First and foremost I want to make some changes in my spiritual life.  Putting God first in my life has to become non negotiable in my life.  I have for too long let my spiritual life slide.  Here are things that are going to change in my life spiritually.

• I need to find a new church home here in Sylva
• I need to create a plan for being consistent in studying the word of God daily
• I need to create a plan for being consistent in reading the word of God daily
• I need to find books to read that will encourage me in my walk with the Lord.
• I need to create a prayer plan to help me pray for others not only just for myself and not only when things seem to be upside down
• I need to find a small group or a women’s bible study as well as a couple of women who are local to help me stay accountable.

I will be blogging later about the plans I create for these spiritual accountabilities in hopes that It might help someone else.
Secondly I need to get myself organized and back in the swing of a routine.  I have been working a new job for the last 2 months and have been on nights for about the last month  and yet again I have just been trying to survive.  I have found that my body needs more sleep when I am working nights but I still have to get all the things I have on my plate accomplished and it is so much more difficult when you only have a couple of hours in your day when you aren’t at work or asleep. Over the next few weeks I will be blogging as I create plans and systems to make these changes in my life.

• I need to create routines to help me stay productive and make sure that things are getting done consistently
• I need to create a weekly schedule to make sure that priorities in my life do not slip and that I do not compromise sleep to accomplish this.
• I need to create a plan of how to keep my apartment clean ( not talking picked up and tidy, but making sure that maintenance  cleaning and weekly cleaning is done )
• I need to create a system for planning and tracking goals

Physically I have realized now is the perfect time to sculpt myself into the physical person I have always desired to be.  I need to see this as a priority to eat right and workout as well as getting the right amount of rest.  Yet again I will be blogging and posting to social media the progress I make over the next few months,  but here are the things that need work.

• Getting Healthy- The main goal is not necessarily weightless but that is a side goal and an easier way to view progress
• I need to be working out 3-4 times a week minimum with both strength training and cardio
• I need to be eating more healthy home cooked meals
• I need to be drinking more water
• I need to be making sure to take vitamins daily.

I am sure there are other things that I need to change but at this point these are the major things.  Its time to take back my life.  Who else is with me?  What things do you want to change in your life in order to take it back?