By far the BIGGEST lesson I have ever had to learn is what it means to wait on God. And let me just be fully transparent and tell you right now I am still learning but this is the MOST painful and trying lesson God has ever taught me. By nature I am not a patient person, but not waiting on God has proved to be something that has caused me more trials, and pain than I could have ever imagined. People will tell you that one simple decision can not change your life, but I am here to tell you it can. One decision not based on the Lord's will has the ability to wreck your life in ways that you could never believe.
There are usually underlying reasons why we make decisions not to wait on God, but the biggest two are usually pride and fear. For me it was a combination of those two and just pure ugly impatience. I wondered if I truly deserved for God to give me what I desired and I was tired of waiting and chose to take things into my own hands. I know many of you still may not believe me that one decision can ruin your life, especially you younger girls, who believe you have your entire life ahead of you and plenty of time to "get things right with God," but I am here to tell you that one choice, one momentary decision to walk ahead of God and plan things on your own can multiply into something you cant get out of.
Okay, I'll be honest, by itself one decision may not completely ruin your life, but the issue is that many times when we make those decisions they start a downward spiral that is very difficult to stop. That was what happened with me. I made a decision not to wait on the Lord, to take my eyes off of him, and to walk a path that I thought was best for me, and it had drastic consequences that could have never begun to imagine and that I was not ready for.
I was a good kid, was liked by most everyone in High School, was Ms. Most School Sprit and had received multiple scholarships for college. The first two years of college weren't much different, I pledged a sorority, was active in a Christian organization, and had a job as an RA on campus, I loved life and seemed to have it all together. But there was one thing I thought that was missing. You see, I had gone through all of high school and my first two years of college without a single date ( well excluding a blind date for prom, but that was a disaster in itself and a story for another time). Looking back now, I know exactly why I didn't have any dates, I knew what I wanted and wasn't about to settle for less, but at the time it just seemed like there was something wrong with me and that I was not wanted. What I realize now was that the Lord was protecting me and growing me by keeping what wasn't his best on the sidelines.
My sophomore year in college I became very involved with a Campus Ministry at Western and began being discipled. I had spent some time with this group of people the year before and realized that their relationships with the Lord were personal and growing and it was something I desperately wanted, but to be honest even without having had dates in high school I was still BOY CRAZY. I had my fair share of crushes and secretly hoped one of them would one day ask me out, but I chose to wait. When I started hanging around this campus ministry I began to see men who were sold out to Christ, and it was the most unbelievably attractive thing I have ever seen in my life. These men were sharing the gospel, and leading bible studies, and to hear them pray....! I was hooked. There was this one guy though, who was everything I thought I wanted, and one night as he taught me to foxtrot at a Sorority formal, I thought this is it ... He's the one, and I went home that night and began praying, for who I thought was my "future husband." For the next year I crushed hard on this guy and kept telling myself... God is working ... one day ... oh but how silly was I because, by the end of that year he had a conversation with one of my very dear friends about pursuing her and defining their relationship, and I was devastated. I should have learned my lesson and turned it over to God, but no ... I did the same thing with my date to my Fall formal my junior year who also was apart of the ministry... and after months of wanting him to pursue me to no avail I was completely crushed.
I wondered what was wrong with me and why God was not giving me a godly man in my life. I was wishing and hoping for the right things wasn't I? I wasn't dating guys who weren't Christians, I was "waiting" or so I thought.... where was God and why was he not answering my prayers. So a few weeks after realizing I was not even on the radar of the guy who took me to my fall formal, a co-worker and friend, asked me if I wanted to meet a friend of his, well a fraternity brother, to be more specific. Something inside of me said no, but my insecurities were at an all time high and I just wanted a distraction for a few hours, nothing wrong with that right? Oh how wrong I was... I should have listened to that still small voice. I kept ignoring it all the way to the Greek Village as it kept getting "louder," and by the time I got in the house I was all but about to throw up. You see I knew it was not God's best for me, but I was lonely and just wanted for someone to see me the way I wanted to be seen. What's funny, after I sat down on the couch and we started the movie that still voice started to back off. I selfishly thought God was saying it was okay... nope... he was letting me make my own decision, even though it was one of the worst decisions I could make. That's the thing about God, if we are sensitive to his will, he will direct us through his word and through the power of the Holy Spirit, but when we make choices against his will, he will allow us to make our own descisions and if we continue away from his will we wont hear the Holy Spirit convicting us as much because our fellowhsip with him is broken due to sin in our life.
People would say, okay so you decided to go watch a movie and meet a new friend, what is so wrong with that? And let me be clear, there is nothing wrong with what I did. What was wrong was not being sensitive to the Holy Spirit who was directing me away from a dangerous situation. That movie night was a fork in my life's path. It started a trend of making bad decisions and ignoring the voice of the Holy Spirit. That night I chose a "blind-date" over my discipleship group. The next week I chose my boyfrined over my best friends. A few weeks later I was manipulated into giving my first kiss away. A month later I was forced to give up my virginity. A few weeks after that I traded a "relationship" for lying to and avoiding my friends. Then I traded laughter for tears, 3 months in I traded "affection" for emotional abuse. 6 months in I traded my free time for road trips because he had dropped out of school. 9 months in I traded my education, my home, and my family for "promises of marriage" when I in turn was talked into leaving school and failed all my classes because I didn't take my finals.( I truly believed that because of what he had done that I had to marry him because as a Christian girl I could never have that kind of relationship with anyone other than my husband.) A year in I traded a break up for a broken heart. ( Thankful that my parent's loved me unconditionally and came to rescue me from a relationship where I was being seen as a challenge, a conquest, was being manipulated, abused, and controlled... and couldn't find the courage within myself to walk away.)
Waiting on God is always best. He will always answer for our best, in his time. Never forget he loves you and has plans for you if you are his child. Waiting is hard, but don't ever forget the fact that getting ahead of God can cause painful consequences, missed blessings, and pain. The Lord wants to bless us. He wants us to trust him. He may have things to teach us before he blesses us He may have a job for us to do that would be easier done while you are single or he may be working in the lives of other people and working out other circumstances for your good, but may on the surface have nothing to do with you.
Trust Him! Wait on Him! It will be worth it because it will be his best no matter what it is.
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