The Ugly Truth about Impaitence

By far the BIGGEST lesson I have ever had to learn is what it means to wait on God.  And let me just be fully transparent and tell you right now I am still learning but this is the MOST painful and trying lesson God has ever taught me. By nature I am not a patient person, but not waiting on God has proved to be something that has caused me more trials, and pain than I could have ever imagined. People will tell you that one simple decision can not change your life, but I am here to tell you it can.  One decision not based on the Lord's will has the ability to wreck your life in ways that you could never believe.

There are usually underlying reasons why we make decisions not to wait on God, but the biggest two are usually pride and fear.  For me it was a combination of those two and just pure ugly impatience. I wondered if I truly deserved for God to give me what I desired and I was tired of waiting and chose to take things into my own hands. I know many of you still may not believe me that one decision can ruin your life, especially you younger girls, who believe you have your entire life ahead of you and plenty of time to "get things right with God," but I am here to tell you that one choice, one momentary decision to walk ahead of God and plan things on your own can multiply into something you cant get out of.

Okay, I'll be honest, by itself one decision may not completely ruin your life, but the issue is that many times when we make those decisions they start a downward spiral that is very difficult to stop.  That was what happened with me.  I made a decision not to wait on the Lord, to take my eyes off of him, and to walk a path that I thought was best for me, and it had drastic consequences that could have never begun to imagine and that I was not ready for.
I was a good kid, was liked by most everyone in High School, was Ms. Most School Sprit and had received multiple scholarships for college.  The first two years of college weren't much different, I pledged a sorority, was active in a Christian organization, and had a job as an RA on campus, I loved life and seemed to have it all together.   But there was one thing I thought that was missing. You see, I had gone through all of high school and my first two years of college without a single date ( well excluding a blind date for prom, but that was a disaster in itself and a story for another time). Looking back now, I know exactly why I didn't have any dates, I knew what I wanted and wasn't about to settle for less, but at the time it just seemed like there was something wrong with me and that I was not wanted.  What I realize now was that the Lord was protecting me and growing me by keeping what wasn't his best on the sidelines.

My sophomore year in college I became very involved with a Campus Ministry at Western and began being discipled. I had spent some time with this group of people the year before and realized that their relationships with the Lord were personal and growing and it was something I desperately wanted, but to be honest even without having had dates in high school I was still BOY CRAZY. I had my fair share of crushes and secretly hoped one of them would one day ask me out, but I chose to wait.  When I started hanging around this campus ministry I began to see men who were sold out to Christ, and it was the most unbelievably attractive thing I have ever seen in my life. These men were sharing the gospel, and leading bible studies, and to hear them pray....! I was hooked.  There was this one guy though, who was everything I thought I wanted, and one night as he taught me to foxtrot at a Sorority formal, I thought this is it ... He's the one, and I went home that night and began praying, for who I thought was my "future husband." For the next year I crushed hard on this guy and kept telling myself... God is working ... one day ...  oh but how silly was I because, by the end of that year he had a conversation with one of my very dear friends about pursuing her and defining their relationship, and I was devastated.   I should have learned my lesson and turned it over to God, but no ... I did the same thing with my date to my Fall formal my junior year who also was apart of the ministry... and after months of wanting him to pursue me to no avail I was completely crushed.

I wondered what was wrong with me and why God was not giving me a godly man in my life. I was wishing and hoping for the right things wasn't I?  I wasn't dating guys who weren't Christians, I was "waiting" or so I thought.... where was God and why was he not answering my prayers.  So a few weeks after realizing I was not even on the radar of the guy who took me to my fall formal, a co-worker and friend, asked me if I wanted to meet a friend of his, well a fraternity brother, to be more specific.  Something inside of me said no, but my insecurities were at an all time high and I just wanted a distraction for a few hours, nothing wrong with that right?  Oh how wrong I was... I should have listened to that still small voice.  I kept ignoring it all the way to the Greek Village as it kept getting "louder," and by the time I got in the house I was all but about to throw up. You see I knew it was not God's best for me, but I was lonely and just wanted for someone to see me the way I wanted to be seen.  What's funny, after I sat down on the couch and we started the movie that still voice started to back off.  I selfishly thought God was saying it was okay... nope... he was letting me make my own decision, even though it was one of the worst decisions I could make.  That's the thing about God, if we are sensitive to his will, he will direct us through his word and through the power of the Holy Spirit, but when we make choices against his will, he will allow us to make our own descisions and if we continue away from his will we wont hear the Holy Spirit convicting us as much because our fellowhsip with him is broken due to sin in our life.

People would say, okay so you decided to go watch a movie and meet a new friend, what is so wrong with that? And let me be clear, there is nothing wrong with what I did.  What was wrong was not being sensitive to the Holy Spirit who was directing me away from a dangerous situation. That movie night was a fork in my life's path.  It started a trend of making bad decisions and ignoring the voice of the Holy Spirit.   That night I chose a "blind-date" over my discipleship group.  The next week I chose my boyfrined over my best friends. A few weeks later I was manipulated into giving my first kiss away.  A month later I was forced to give up my virginity.  A few weeks after that I traded a "relationship" for lying to and avoiding my friends. Then I traded laughter for tears, 3 months in I traded "affection" for emotional abuse.  6 months in I traded my free time for road trips because he had dropped out of school. 9 months in I traded my education, my home, and my family for "promises of marriage" when I in turn was talked into leaving school and failed all my classes because I didn't take my finals.( I truly believed that because of what he had done that I had to marry him because as a Christian girl I could never have that kind of relationship with anyone other than my husband.)  A year in I traded a break up for a broken heart. ( Thankful that my parent's loved me unconditionally and came to rescue me from a relationship where I was being seen as a challenge, a conquest, was being manipulated, abused, and controlled... and couldn't find the courage within myself to walk away.)

Waiting on God is always best.  He will always answer for our best, in his time.  Never forget he loves you and has plans for you if you are his child.  Waiting is hard, but don't ever forget the fact that getting ahead of God can cause painful consequences, missed blessings, and pain.  The Lord wants to bless us.  He wants us to trust him.  He may have things to teach us before he blesses us He may have a job for us to do that would be easier done while you are single or he may be working in the lives of other people and working out other circumstances for your good, but may on the surface have nothing to do with you.

Trust Him! Wait on Him!  It will be worth it because it will be his best no matter what it is.

Identity in Christ ... that's where my validation should come from.

I would be willing to say that nearly every woman in this world, has gone through times in her life where all she wanted was someone to validate who she is.  Its a desire that I think is buried deep in all of us, some of us just hide it better than others.  We want someone to tell us we are beautiful, that we are doing a good job, that they are proud of us, that we make their lives better, and that we are wanted. The problem with that however, is that the people in our lives that we most desperately want validation from are just that, they are people, and just like us they are flawed.   Most women, if they are honest with themselves, will admit that who they desperately want validation from, are the men in their lives.  I truly believe that this is a desire within us that has moved from its perfect intention, of us desiring and finding our validation in God.  Marriage is a picture of Christ and his bride the church, so the desire we have for our husband, or a man who we date,  is an imperfect representation of the desires that we have for the Lord.

Last week I went through my first break up since my divorce.   It was hard enough to move past a marriage to a husband who had been unfaithful with no desire to fix things, but taking a risk and dating again was hard.  Opening myself back up and allowing someone to attempt to fill those desires was difficult because I feared getting hurt.  I desperately wanted a man to validate who I was and what he thought of me, and as great as this guy was, he couldn't do that for some reason.We realized we were looking for different things and I know what I want in a relationship and at this point in my life, I just don't want to casually date.  I want the man that God has for me and to pursue marriage and a family.. because ladies I'll admit it ... I'm not getting any younger :)  So long story short, once I walked away and realized that I was needing to focus on who I was in the Lord and trust him for what I know my heart desires and nothing less, my eyes were opened to so much more and so many things that I needed him to heal with in me.  And seeking validation in any other place than Him was one of the biggest things.   I realized that because the guy I had been dating had never once in nearly 6 months of dating ever told me I was beautiful, that I was truly beginning to doubt it myself.  I stepped back and thought ... now wait ... he never said it, but that doesn't mean he didn't think it, and it doesn't mean its not true. And even if he didn't think it ... why do I allow his opinion to dominate what I think about myself?  Far too often we allow people's opinions to shape our opinion of ourselves, instead of relying on truth.  The truth of the situation is that I should receive my validation from the Lord and what he thinks of me, and let that shape my opinion of myself and nothing else.  I should be so confident in the Lord that my heart is completely content if I never hear one word of validation or praise from a man in my life.

I truly believe the things we desire to feel validated in by a man are things that the Lord already thinks of us and things  he wants us to know about himself.   He wants us to emulate the relationship we have with him in dating and eventually marriage.   I think its okay for us to want those things from our boyfriends and husbands but If we should be looking to the Lord for our validation, we need to know what he thinks of us first and foremost.  So I am learning to find my validation in the Lord.  And you know what I found, everything I wanted a man to think of me, or to do in my life, the Lord already thinks and does.  So I know that when I can find my confidence in the Lord and his opinion of me, that a relationship with a man will be so much easier because I wont be expecting him to fill holes in me that only a God shaped puzzle piece can fill.

In studying, this is what I have found.  I share these things for those out there who may be in the same place, desiring  validation from your husband or boyfriend and you just aren't getting what you need.  Trust the Lord to fill those desires, because he is perfect and he can fill us in a way a human never can, and once he has, the overflow of that will allow you to enjoy the love and affection you receive from your husband or boyfriend so much more freely.

I am a child of God 

                             But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God,  to those who believe in His name:

John 1:12

 I am complete in Christ

                              ...and you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power.

                                                                      Colossians 2:10 

I am accepted

                                 Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring                praise to God.

Romans 15:7

 I am created in the image of God

So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; 

male and female he created them.

Genesis 1:27

I am known by God

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you;Before you were born I sanctified you;
I ordained you a prophet to the nations.”

Jeremiah 1:5

I am chosen

But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation,

 His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him 

who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;

1 Peter 2:9

I am His 

But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.

Isaiah 43:1

He Delights in me

The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great 

delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”

Zephaniah 3:17

He Loves Me

 For God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life.

John 3:16

I am on his mind and He has plans for me

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts 

of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11

I am the apple of his Eye

 Keep me as the apple of Your eye;
Hide me under the shadow of Your wings,

Psalm 17:8

I am his Friend

“No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what

 his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all 

things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you.

John 15:15

He will Never me

Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such 

things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Hebrews 13:5

He will Never stop Loving me

nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate 

us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:39

He will protect me and not let anyone take me away

“And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; 

neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand.

John 10:28

Now that right there is good stuff... And promises we can take to the bank.  I am trying to learn to rely on these verses and commit the ones I don't know to memory so that when I feel alone, or feel the need for validation, I know that I already have it from the only one who can give it perfectly.  I challenge you sweet friend, to find your validation in the word, from the Lord,  because it is the only validation that will give you the perfect peace you are chasing after.

One Direction

Nope sorry to disappoint you all ... Not writing about boy bands today at least  :) .. I'm sorry to burst your bubble if you thought you were going to get my opinion on crazy girls who scream and fawn over boys in converses and skinny jeans... WELL eventually you might get my opinion on crazy girls who loose their minds over cute boys, but we will leave the boy bands out of things for now.  What I mean by One direction is the conviction I have had on my heart for the past few weeks to be writing much more than I am now, and the desire to really pursue one singular purpose in my blogging. For the past couple of years women have been on my heart and mind and there is so much that is unsaid about relationships and what biblical womanhood looks like.  I am by far not an expert on these things, if anything I am an expert on how to do it all wrong, but it has been a journey and I feel like I am supposed to share what the Lord is teaching me about these things to encourage the hearts of women around me.

I have learned that God is Unchanging and unmistakably good, and that we live in a world where he is consistently put on the back burner.  He should be the center of everything in our lives, and when we take him out of the center that is where we begin to loose footing and our lives and relationships begin to fall apart. Putting God in the center of everything ... especially our relationships with others is not easy.  Our hearts are sinful by nature and they desire to be selfish.  We want our feelings to be validated and our hearts to plant a footing in a relationship where we feel "safe" but sometimes God calls us to be uncomfortable, and in a place where he can grow us and teach us and so that he can put himself back in the absolute center of our lives.

When we are focused on the Lord our directions change, our desires change, and our standards change.  He becomes the standard for things we allow in our lives, and the actions that we take.  So knowing that and in learning that the hard way, A LOT, I have such a desire to be open and transparent and share where my short comings and the times where I have done nothing short of falling on my face.  My hope and my prayer is that this will encourage the hearts of other women to take a look at their relationships and their hearts and reevaluate God's place there.   I also hope that for those who are striving to put God in his rightful place in their lives that these blogs will encourage them to stay the course and finish the race with joy and gladness because honoring the Lord will never fail us.

Its easy to say we want to honor the Lord, but practically doing it is sometimes more difficult.  I hope that in writing about hard things, like Divorce, dating, marriage, and being honest about my struggles in these places that it will help other women join me on this difficult but worthwhile journey of becoming more Christlike and learning to honor the Lord with Every aspect of our lives.

So as I commit to this new path I pray that the Lord would speak through me.  That these would not be my words because I am completely faulty and I only know what I have learned through his grace  and mercy as I have walked through the trials of my own life.   I pray that the hearts of women would be touched by his grace, and that they would find new commitment to him and to putting him in the center of ALL things in their lives.  And I pray that a community of women would be formed to encourage and support each other as we walk daily through the challenges of life.

An Open Letter to a Godly Man

As a woman who strives daily to be more like Christ, I wanted to take just a minute to encourage your hearts, and to openly say thank you for the impact you have had on my life, and I am sure if they could pipe in, I would get a big AMEN, from so many other Godly women “in the choir.”  For so many of us we deal with the insecurity that we will never be enough, too often that insecurity causes us to not want to wait on the Lord and to lower the standards we look for in men.  But then there are men who cross our paths who make us reevaluate the qualities we are looking for in someone who could potentially be apart of our lives. Many times, because of  our past, or the way we see ourselves, we don’t truly feel like we deserve a Godly man, and lets just be honest here, most women are impatient, and will settle for something less than what God has for us out of fear, that the idea that what we desire just isn’t out there.

As I write this letter there are ten or so Godly men who have crossed my path over the years, who were single at the time, who impacted my life in a great way, to truly begin to show my heart what the idea of a godly relationship was supposed to look like.  I had the privilege of watching several of these men find the women God had for them and to watch the way they loved their future wives.  No these men were not perfect and I don’t intend to put them on a pedestal.  The only perfect man was Jesus Christ.  My only point here is that when you are living your daily life you have no idea who is watching and what impact you are making in the lives of those around you.

When I stop and think about how my heart has been encouraged over the years by Godly single men, There are a few specific qualities that come to mind. I will tell you that as Christian women, seeing Jesus in a man is the most attractive quality, and I am not sure why as people we settle for what we know is far less than God’s best.  Over the years my heart has been protected, guided, encouraged, and prayed for by brothers in Christ around me.  I write this to encourage you to look around I can promise you that if you are striving to live for the Lord there are girls watching.  They may not be the one that God has for you but I encourage you to be aware so you can protect her heart as her brother in Christ.

If I could say thank you to these men for the example they were, and the qualities that through their new life in Christ set them apart, I would thank them for:

Running in their Relationship with the Lord:  There is nothing more attractive than a man who is strong in his relationship in the Lord.  As women we are built to be led by a man, and I know I will ruffle some feathers when I say this, but as Godly women we were created to be submissive.  I dont mean to be demeaned, but to walk beside her husband and support him in all that he does and to allow him to lead her and their family.  A man who knows scripture, who can pray with confidence, who has a heart for the lost, and who just has a genuine love and concern for people will catch a Godly girl’s eye.

Asking Questions:  There was a guy that I went to college with who was phenomenal at this.  He always made people around him really feel as if they, and their lives, were important.  One particular night that I remember, we were sitting at dinner and it was me and two other girls and Him, and he sat and asked each one of us about what was going on in our lives, how or ministries were going, what the Lord was teaching us, and how he could pray for us.  Having true interest in the lives of other people without any other intention is something that should not be taken advantage of in a friend. I walked away from that conversation feeling encouraged, loved as a sister in Christ, and like what I was doing and the life I was living really was making a difference.

Physical Protection:  I had a group of friends in college that had a knack for doing stupid things,and I remember on more than one occasion when several guys I knew went out of their way to make sure that the girls that were with them were safe.  One night in particular we were out checking out this old abandoned tunnel.  The whole point of going was  for the experience of walking through in the pitch black and for the thrill,but what i didn’t realize at the time was that a couple of the guys had gone ahead and checked out the tunnel before the rest of us got there, to make sure that there was nothing that would harm us.  The guys were not about to put us in a situation where we could get hurt physically or hurt by someone.

Protection of My Heart: In college one of my best friends and I spent a lot of time together, I ended up developing feelings for him, mostly because I saw so many Christlike traits in him, but he was sensitive to the situation and realized how I was starting to feel.  Instead of walking out of my life, calling me out and making me feel bad for how I was feeling, or taking advantage of my feelings, he did quite the opposite.  He and another friend and I went out for a movie, on the way home he asked if I wanted to run an errand with him on campus.  He never made it awkward but on the way home before we pulled out of the parking lot, He turned to me and with the most care and respect, he told me how he felt.  That it had nothing to do with me, that he loved my heart, but that he just didn’t feel like I was the right girl for him to date and that it wouldn’t be fair to me knowing how I felt.  Of course at the moment, the conversation stung, but to this day we are still friends, and I have so much respect for him for the way he handled the situation, and how he made me feel protected from the potential of a broken heart.

Protection of my Reputation:   A few weeks before my husband and I separated, it was obvious that we were having issues, I went into church and sat with a group of close friends that I didn’t typically sit with on Sunday mornings, I slipped in during fellowship time and sat next to one of my best friends, one of my guy friends bible was on the other side of me but there was plenty of room to sit there.  I noticed later that he got up and moved to the pew behind us.  Later that night while our group of friends went out to dinner, he made it a point to make sure I knew why he moved.  He told me he did not want anyone to assume that he and I were in a relationship behind my husband’s back.  The thought had never crossed my mind that people might perceive things that way, but i felt like he had taken an opportunity to intentionally protect my reputation.

Setting an example of Godly Leadership: In college two guys who were Seniors when I was a sophomore, led a group of 5 or 6 of us who were ministering within our fraternity or sorority. We met once a week to pray for the Greeks on campus.  The way that these men showed the brokenness of their hearts for the lives of their fraternity brothers who did not know the Lord,  as well as the way they led in prayer, and led the meetings to avoid gossip and distraction, encouraged me to learn even more to how to pray for and show the Love of Christ to the women of my sorority who were searching for significance in things other than in the Lord.

Encouragement: Recently there was a guy, who I knew years ago as a mutual friend of some of my sorority sisters, who had posted quite a few verses of scripture, quotes about relationships and godly life to Facebook.  It seemed like at the moment that when each of these popped up it was connected to something that the Lord had already been teaching me.  The Lord was using these posts to reinforce what he had already been showing me. This guy also made a statement to me that he was spending time in the word and trying daily to become a more Godly man, this made made me realize the difference between someone who is perusing a real relationship with Christ and the continual life transformation that occurs when you are consistently growing in the Lord, and  being a “Christian” guy and going to church occasionally, when there is very little impact on your life.   This guy had absolutely no idea that in posting these things that I was even seeing them or the effect that it was having on my heart.

Setting an example of what a Godly Relationship looks like: I have been blessed to watch several of these men find the women that God has created for them, and be able to watch the Love story that God has written for them develop.  Its been kinda neat to grab a bucket of popcorn and watch their relationships unfold.  Whats even more fun is that several of them ended up marrying girls that were dear friends of mine, and I have been able to hear how these men have led in their spiritual lives, sheltered their marriages, and been Godly fathers to their children.

I will admit as these situations unfolded I did “crush” on a couple of these guys, but the real lasting effect was that each one of them raised the bar a little higher for what desires I have in the man I pray God is forming for me.  To be completely honest, its difficult for me to write this blog post because I am by far not an expert on good relationships, if I am anything I am an expert on bad relationships and not believing that I deserve what God could bless me with and because of that not waiting on God’s best.  Especially now sitting here nearly a year after finalizing my divorce from my unfaithful husband, I pray daily that one day God will bless me with a man with all these qualities to grow old with me.  And the fact that the Lord with his transforming power could do this in the life of my ex, or that he could one day bring a man into my life who could accept me for who I am in the Lord is even more proving about how powerful and in control he is. So many women would say that what I just wrote about would be describing the perfect man, and that he doesn’t exist.  I would agree with them, the perfect man does not exist, but men who are striving daily to be like Christ do.

I will admit that I have not ever dated any of these men, and although they raised the bar, I have always let myself fall back in to the arms of men who are not perusing the Lord because it seemed like the easier thing to do.  I  was blinded by the idea of love and not engaged with the idea that the best relationship would be with the one that the Lord has created for me, and it would be worth any amount of time to have to wait.

Men – I would encourage you to keep focused on the Lord and to keep your eyes open to the women around you, protect them, honor them, and love them, because if they are not your future wives, they are some one’s future wives, and  you need to realize that in the way you live your life and the way you treat her, without saying a word you can point her to the Lord, and to raising the standard of not letting ungodly men steal her heart.

If you are waiting on the one God has for you, I would encourage your heart, she is out there.  She may not even know you yet, but God is sovereign and He has a plan, if you are single or single again, or stuck somewhere in between the Lord is in control.  Hand him your life fully, and he will bless you far greater than you can ever imagine.  And when The Lord hands you the one he has created for you, love the Lord more than you love her, cherish her, study her, and continue to date her.  If you love her the way that Christ loves the Church, she will respect and honor you.

I truly believe that most people do not end up with the ones that the Lord had for them, I believe that we settle for something “good enough”.  This is the reason for so much emotional and physical infidelity, because we are not truly complete in the Lord, and so consumed with our relationship with him that we look up only long enough when God says “That’s Her or Him.”  I have seen relationships that it was obvious they had found the one that the Lord had for them in his timing.  Its undeniable.  It doesn’t mean its easy, but if you stand back and watch, they attempt point each other to Christ daily, they have genuine concern for each other, and their love for the Lord and each other grows out of the trials that cross their paths

Live your lives for the Lord, you don’t know who’s watching and how it may be impacting their life.

Love in Christ

Relationship Reality vs. Hollywood Romance

 I am so stinking excited about Christmas, and it is only a few more months till I can watch Lifetime and Hallmark movies ALL DAY LONG!!!!!  I have to admit the super sappy ones that are completely predictable, and have anyone from the cast of Full House in them, are my favorites.  But I realized something last year, as I was bingeing out on Hallmark movies, and its been something i have been thinking a lot about lately.   Last Christmas I was on the tail end of finalizing a painful divorce.  I had moved an hour away from my hometown and taken a 24/7 365 days a year shift work job in public safety.  I was not too thrilled about the holidays because of being away from home.   But the holidays had always been such a big part of my life and something I had looked forward to every year. I found myself slipping into depression and holiday movies became my escape.

I noticed that though, in all reality, these movies were not very good for my heart in that particular time in my life.  They distorted my view of reality and actually pulled me into a fantasy world where everything was always happy and beautifully decorated, families were always together, and the girl always got the most amazing guy under the mistletoe at just the perfect time.   The characters in these movies were never alone on Christmas, they were always being swept off their feet and everything always worked out the way it "should"

When I saw commercials start to play for Christmas movies a few weeks ago I began to think about how much these movies had impacted my heart and how even though i was so excited about them I began to think about how I could protect my heart from the disappointment when my world does not line up with the fairy tale view of especially relationships, that I was escaping to in these movies. I remember a conversation I  had with a staff member of the campus ministry I was involved with in college, that at the moment I thought was absolutely crazy, but when i really thought about it I realized there was a lot of truth to what this Godly woman had said to us, and that she had been right in a lot of ways.

We were at a girls retreat one weekend and we were talking about protecting your heart and setting realistic expectations for relationships and then she said something that i thought at the time was redecioulus.   She told us that romantic comedies and typical chick flicks can be just as bad for some girl as porn is for guys. I was like WOAH WOAH WOAH Chick slow your role!!!!   I remember thinking so this lady is telling me that The Proposal, Hope Floats, or Two Weeks Notice ( are you noticing a trend?  I love Sandra Bullock)...is hurtful to me like porn is to a man, and she said let me explain.  She began to explain that Porn distorts God's view of sexuality as well as the expectation to many men of what women should look like.  Pornography is directed and glorified and, lets be real,  a real relationship rarely if ever looks that way.

A man's (or woman's) reality of sex usually becomes warped by watching pornography, in more ways than one, but I'll just sum it up to say that God's view of sex can come across boring to some people in relation to a clip of pornography, and women in a man's life may have imperfections that the woman in pornography may not have.  When men watch porn, many times this becomes reality to them.  They think their sex lives should measure up to what they see and that the woman in their life should also measure up to the women's bodies they are viewing.  It is not difficult for people to see how this can put a huge strain or even ruin a relationship.

She went on to talk about how "Chick Flicks" can do the same thing, if we allow it, to the heart of a woman.  Romantic Movies can wreck the reality of what a relationship should look like and cause us to put unrealistic expectations on the man in our life.  Lets be honest for one second.  Most men are not by nature romantic.  The movies we watch are scripted and these stories are written.  I am not saying that chivalry should be dead.  I am just simply saying many men are not romantic by nature, and to take a character, that was probably even created by a woman,  and press him down on the man in your life as your expectations of him, can make your husband or boyfriend  feel trapped and like he is always failing, and it will leave you feeling constantly disappointed in what he is not doing for you.

You should love your husband or boyfriend for who he is and see the blessings that he brings to your life, as well as his strengths for what they are.  Of course there are some non negotiable attributes, and every woman has the things she needs in a relationship.  Personally as a Christian woman I will not give my heart to a man that does not love the Lord and see the importance of church.and I have to have someone who makes me laugh.

But asking our men to step up to the example of these fictional characters who live in a "perfect world" and create the perfect dates and proposals is setting your relationship up for failure, as well as setting you up for disappointment. Our disappointment will turn to frustration and our frustration will turn to anger, and anger will turn to avoidance.

Do we really want to base our relationships on whether we receive good morning texts, or flowers, or if he plans a romantic horse drawn carriage ride under the stars or not. Instead shouldn't we be more realistic and love someone for who they are and take the pressure off, and quit holding them to expectations that they don't even know exist in our minds.  If you want flowers, buy them for yourself, instead of being upset that he hasn't brought you any.  If you want a nice dinner, then plan it yourself and take him out.  Notice the little things, be grateful for who he is and the qualities that matter.  Don't punish him because he doesn't take your hand and stroll through a Christmas tree lot and sweep you off in a sleigh pulled by white horses through the snow, Most men really don't even begin to think this way.

Love him for who he is and the qualities that he possesses that are so much more important than fictionalized romance. Does your man have these qualities?

• Does he love the Lord?
• Is he a provider?
• Is he a protector?
• Is he a planner?
• Is he gentle?
• Is he paitent?
• Is he Kind?
• Is he loving?
• Is he respectful?
• Is he affectionate?
• Is he or will he be a good father?
• Is he good to his family?
• Is he trustworthy?
• Does he work hard?
• Is he generous?

Are these not the things that matter most, and far more than the big romantic Hollywood gestures that we sometimes hope for when we see them on TV.  If only we could catch ourselves before we wish I wish I had a man like that guy, or I wish my husband would do those things for me, and step back into the reality of what really matters and love and praise our boyfriends and husbands for who they are and the things they do instead of putting expectations on them that they will never live up to.

All this to say, I still plan on enjoying many weekend Christmas movie marathons and I wont skip out on the very sweet romantic stories, but I just will be mindful of the way I allow those movies to impact my view of my boyfriend and try to be mindful not to hold him to a standard he doesnt know exists. 

Just something to ponder on this morning... What happens when you take all your expectations off and are just grateful for who he is ?

Even on Mothers Day ... You are not Forgotten!

Mothers Day should be a joyful time, filled with beautiful flowers, sentimental cards, and lots of love, but for many there is just as much hurt, insecurity, and sadness that comes along with such a special day.  Yesterday as I watched my Facebook feed and the smiling faces, and after church pictures with mom, the breakfasts in bed, and the handcrafted projects made with love, my heart swelled with joy for all the moms that were experiencing this amazing day the way it was meant to be experienced.  But my heart broke for the women, who's hearts were torn in pieces on a day that should mean so much.  We need to be mindful that sometimes holidays are not easy.  We need to remember to encourage those around us who are facing situations were it is a fight to find joy in the midst of the pain.

To the woman waiting for an adoption because she and her husband physically can not have a child.  God hears you.  He has a plan, for you and YOUR child.  You get to rescue your child, and give them a hope and a future.  The Lord knows your heart and knows the desires you have to hold that precious one in your arms, and how long the wait can be.  He knows that you are preparing for a miracle that may take years to arrive.  He sees the sacrifice you make financially to bring your child home.  But dear friend he TODAY, is working in your midst, to create that child just for you, because he knows you are special, and he created you to love a child that didn't come from your body, and he created you to trust him to complete your family in a way that you never expected.  I pray that you would feel the Lords providence and peace today.

To the woman who has lost a child your heart will never be the same. You are not forgotten!  I know its hard to understand why God would take your precious one away from you.  Loss is never easy or explainable, It doesnt matter if you lost your child in miscarriage or as an adult with a full life ahead of them, the pain is still the same.  The Lord knows our limitations as humans and he knows fully that we will never understand his purpose in allowing loss to happen. It seems against everything we have learned about his character to allow you to experience that kind of pain.  But sweet sister I promise you, he will use your pain to save the lives of others and he will heal your heart and allow you to bring glory to him in ways that you would never begin to fathom, if you will place your heart in his hands, and allow him to wrap you up and comfort you like no one else can.  Today I pray that the Lord would reveal to you his sovereignty and his unfailing Love for you.

To the woman who sits in the pew at church and as the flowers are being handed out to the mothers reflects on her "broken" life.   Her divorce that has left her middle aged with no children and questions about whether the future will hold the desires she has poured out to the Lord over and over and over, and when the flower is begun to be handed to her she has to say "No thank you, Im not a mother."  Sweet Friend I pray the Lord would reveal to you his goodness and his joy that he has a plan for you.  A plan to give you a hope and a future.  You have not been forgotten, and you will be given what he knows is best for you

To the woman who is raising children who are not her own. I know the feelings of insecurity that you sometimes feel that you play second best in your (step, foster, ect) children's life, or that you stepped into a role that you weren't ready for or that you are unsure you are really wanted to be in.  I know that sometimes your heart hurts because you feel like you dont measure up, or that the road you walk is difficult and filled with twists and turns others do not face. I pray that the Lord would place in your heart assurance that you are in the lives of  YOUR children, because he put you there,  That he has a purpose for you and that you are in their lives because ONLY you can love them the way that you love them. "Sharing your Kids" and all that comes with it is hard.  But the Lord knows your heart, and knows your pain,  He knows what it feels like to have a child tell you that you're not their mother. He understands, I promise.  I pray he would give you complete assurance and peace that you are exactly where he wants you to be. 

To the woman who lost her mother too soon.  I know the pain of losing your mother. confidant, and best friend too soon is something that you cant explain, and a pain you live with every day.  The missing piece, the void of wanting to tell her about your successes, glean advice from her, or just fall into the hug that always makes everything right.  I pray today that you would know the Love that the Lord has for you and that he would comfort the pain, and bring sweet memories to your heart and mind. I pray that he would make you strong through the trial of losing your mother and would send sweet fellowship of wise Godly women into your life. I pray that the Lord would wrap his comforting arms around you and give you peace.

To the woman who's mother walked out of your life, for you my heart breaks.  You should never have to face the challenges of life alone.  You should have someone by your side.  You should have her support, her love.  She should tell you you are beautiful and that she is proud of you.  You shouldn't have to wonder how she feels about you or where she even is.  You shouldn't have to depend on others to fill that role or to question what you did wrong to make her not love you.  Sweet friend that was not Gods perfect plan.  God gives us mothers to love us and protect us, to guide us and to nurture us, but people are human, we all fall and we all make mistakes.   I pray that God would remind you today that his love is all you need. I pray that he would show you ways to reach out to your mom and mend those fences. I pray  that if you dont know who your mom or where she is that the Lord would send Godly women into your life to help lead and guide you, to love you and help mold you into the woman the Lord has called you to be.   You are not forgotten!! You are not unloved!! You are not broken!! Fall into his arms and let him love you!

As we celebrate the amazing mothers out there.  The ones that gave us life, and shaped our hearts. Who made us the women we are to day let us not forget the ones who are feeling the painful sting and reminder of what could have been, what should have been , or what used to be.   Lift them up in prayer, encourage their hearts, and Love on them just a little bit more today. 

40 Days of Pray for your Future Husband... Day 30 (Friendships)

40 Days of Pray for your Future Husband... Day 30

Friendships

Our friends sometimes have the biggest impact on our lives.  Pray that the Lord would give your future husband Godly friends who would love, encourage, and help him grow in his walk with the Lord.

Dear Heavenly Father-

Today I come before you and I pray for the people in  my future husbands life.  Lord we all need healthy friendships and Godly people in our lives to do life with.  Lord you are able to nurture friendships in his life the way no one else can.  Lord give him men in his life like Paul who will teach and disciple, mentor, and guide him.  Give him men in his life like Timothy who he can pour into, Lord who he can teach and guide and mentor.  Lord give him people in his life like Barnabus who will be an encourager of his heart and will pray for and love on Him daily.   Lord I pray that you will use these men to mold and shape his life.  Lord I pray that these friendships would be deep and meaningful but also would be fun.  Lord I pray that you would keep people out of his life who want to cause him harm and not help lead him closer to you.  Father show him through his earthly friendships even more clearly what a relationship and a friendship with you looks like.

In Jesus Name

Amen